Tag Archives: despair

Kill me slowly

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I wrote “this” a few days ago when I was feeling particularly “sh**ty”.
If I had written it on a piece of paper, I would probably have torn it up and dumped it in the wastepaper basket. But it started out life as an email on my phone in the dark before dawn, and once I mailed it to myself, it was too late. Now it exists in the “ether” – both on my phone and my laptop and on some corporate mail server who knows where.
But things changed after that – and I think it should probably not have been written – especially the first stanza.
And today, I had a literal miracle (though some people would logically refute it). I was waiting for the result of an application I made last week that should have taken 10days (or maybe even 8 days if I was lucky). Today made it 8 days and I needed to have the response latest tomorrow if my other plans were not to be disrupted. This morning I prayed and asked God that I wanted a positive response today.

And sometime around 11AM, an SMS came in and it was the instruction to go pick up my document! Yeah, I know it was possible the process may take less than 10days, but the point was that relying on that would have been a gamble – complete hit or miss. And some people explain miracles that occur in response to prayers to be that God had known already that one would be asking for the miracle and if He had decided to grant it, he would have set the process in motion well before in order for the miracle to happen when you need it and He wants it to happen! And if you don’t believe in miracles, remind you to give you a heads up when I start to levitate 🙂

NOTE: the sections after the “But start now” in each stanza is meant to be read in one breath.

Kill me slowly 

Kill me slowly
But start now
Get ahead of the curve Before mortuary attendants – irreverent – dump bodies made immobile by the “ember” months’ insatiable thirst for the blood of the innocent and guilty alike – Bodies burnt, basted, battered, bloated, baked and broken

Kill me slowly
But start now
I do not need the loneliness of a XMAS morning Spent watching gifts opened with smiles on smiling faces And thoughts of rapid loss of pressure and pleasure as heartbeat quickened realizing loss of what never was there unreasonable desires unfulfilled …

Kill me slowly
But start now
Can I not remember how anger whispered to pride led me down the path I tred and tried to backtrack But the jungle of hate amidst the forest of despair had overgrown the path of opportunity in 2 months of silence?

Kill me slowly
But start now
We won’t call it murder – I asked for it and you got paid for a service you rendered with lips sealed Making me victor over the gathering gloom that threatens to bring sorrow its brother to come dine at my thanksgiving table Overstaying its welcome hanging around from boxing day to see the old year out and the new one in

Kill me slowly
But start now
Let me lie under canopied bed sheets From now till the second Feeding on salty tears like salted nuts Life is slow in pain and fast in joy But pain is my constant companion That bids me wake after a moment’s sleep Long before night changes to day And the XMAS cock blesses the air with the music it thinks it makes While its owners smile in secret understanding of the dirge the sharpened knife will make on the 25th

Kill me slowly
But start now
Did I hear you mouth “toxic” As the effect I have where I would rather have smiles Causing fear and crying brought close yet far over cold devices held to the ear making ephemeral that which was hard to hear and worse to remember Relived daily in dreams and waking moments Wondering what screw went lose in my head Causing temporary change in temperament Bringing loss and despair to the party of discomfort and sadness

Kill me slowly …
… but start now. 

27-11-2012 4AM

Saturday

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Saturday

The taxi was old and rickety. I watched it as it made its way slowly down the street. A couple sat in the back. The man looked straight ahead. The woman looked out the side window. I know them. How long has it been since the big day: the wedding? Four years give or take a couple of months. How long ago did the raised voices late at night become a constant source of distraction? Two years give or take a couple of months.
And how long before the wedding were the walks in the evening, hand in hand; the whispering; the giggling? The outings? Maybe a couple of years give or take a couple of months.
I have marked time by the events in their lives.
More importantly, I think I have been here too long. Time to move on.
But to what? To where? It’s not like I have it any better than them. Yeah, there is a case to be made for two people who may be unhappy together over the single person haunting a building he calls his house, but does the headache beat the loneliness?
I know you will ask if I am lonely, why don’t I do something about it? Good question: complex answer.
When Cupid came for me, I was having a bad day. So instead of leaping for joy, I said f**k it all, and went my way. But the arrow was in my heart, so I had no peace. Then work issues cropped up and I went round like the living-dead for a couple of months. By the time I sorted that out and came back to myself and senses, it was too late. Even I could see how bad it looked. I wasn’t that guy, but my actions made me look like some vindictive, callous, unfeeling, selfish fellow who is nasty if he doesn’t have his way or get what he wants. I am not. But R. Kelly got it right when he sang (paraphrased) “Cause when a woman’s mind is made up (no matter how you beg no) There ain’t nothing you can do about it. It’s like running out of luck …”

The taxi has stopped. The man gets out, pays the driver and goes in the house with not even a single glance: the lady could have gone away with the taxi for all he cared. The lady follows shortly afterwards, bag in one hand and shoes in the other.
Lovely lady, I would have been perfectly happy with her if she was free and my heart was otherwise unoccupied. But I guess beauty and character are not always enough to keep the fire burning in a man’s heart, but I have been told that for a lady, the fire burns almost unceasingly: maybe, maybe not.

So if that’s not working out, why don’t I look elsewhere? You would be surprised at the reasons … as it is said in these parts: “… condition …”
But enough about me. I can hear the voices again: anger, despair and disappointment rolled into one.
Same lips that whispered those 3 universal words; that recited vows with glinting eyes in front of a few hundred well wishers and family.

Why won’t you give me a chance? Why do I make you so uncomfortable? All I want is to see you smile at me.

The raised voices are replaced by the noise of the crowd at a soccer game. Their TV.

I will see them in church tomorrow. Nicely dressed. We will share a word or two of greetings when the service is over. We will smile and comment on how the weather is changing. I expect to hear their raised voices later in the day while I think about you.

Time passes. Nothing changes.